i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
