I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
