So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
They took my balls.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
