So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
