Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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