is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
