plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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