Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
