Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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