Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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