Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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