i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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