Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
