U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize