I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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