Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
