well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize