You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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