I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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