Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
