You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize