Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
