Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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