Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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