he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just had sex on a roof
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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