he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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