end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
