Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize