omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
