Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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