My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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