So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
