I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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