I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Still dying that you shit outside
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
