If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
