remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
