woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
