If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
