just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
