i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
