i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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