I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
