I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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