Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
