no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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