My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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