Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
