Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
