I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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