Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
