I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
