you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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