it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
