Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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