I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
