Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
