Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
