If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
