wakey wakey hands off snakey
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
