i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
