Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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