I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
