You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize