i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
