Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
