Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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