You're a womanizer and a bitch.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
