if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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