You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
my poor anus
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
