So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
