so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
